A teen in lockdown.

I WAS HAPPY, REALLY HAPPY, ecstatic; just like every other child would’ve been upon finding out about the lockdown. The boundless joy I experienced on discovering I wouldn’t have to go to school for atleast another month. It was unusual of me to feel so. I’ve been known to have a slightly introverted personality, which probably explains why I was quite happy when most others were not; while all my friends cried over how they couldn’t meet, i smiled at the opportunity of being able to be by myself in the comfort of my room. Even after 4 months, I still carry the same smile, experience the same good feeling. I remember having sessions from school on dealing with mental health or stress during the pandemic maybe due to less social interaction, but for some reason i didnt feel an ounce of it; I had every bit of satisfaction. Right now, the only worry I have is the thought of how I am going to face humans outside my house after all of this is over. What if i have lost my ability to hold conversations? At the begginning everything might’ve been a bit confusing. It felt like another month in which i had to deal with online classes and struggle to get out of bed early in the morning. I barely could open my tired eyes at 8:30 in the morning. I always felt exhausted. Then during the may vacation my schedule made me feel so useless, so unproductive. I experienced so much guilt. Days passed by within minutes. This was something everyone could agree on. I was not the only one. I thought to myself, “I could do better than cry all day and end up regretting so much waste of my time.” I thought of people who couldnt afford a meal and those that struggles to live through this. And then I thought about how we called sitting in luxurious air conditioned rooms a hard life just because we get distracted so easily? I couldnt afford to spend any more time cribbing, I didn’t want to feel like a fool. I realised it’s better late than never. I realised scrolling through instagram till my thumb ached wouldn’t fetch me good or get me rid of that guilt at all. It was a great idea to paint or to read or to workout and do things that would make me feel healthy, fresh and peaceful before I hit my bed.
I noticed the joy on my mom’s face when she saw a book (other than the academic textbooks) in my hand. She smiled at me and said, “I am so happy today, what a surprise”. Her motive for the last 15 years was always to get me to read something out of the box.
I think more than anything else, this pandemic has helped me discover the little things that bring me joy, My dad, being a doctor, wasn’t staying with us; So be it spending time with my parents or my own little space and understanding how amazing it is to be grateful for all i have!

What should it feel like to actually feel?

I have never been an open person when it came to expressing my deepest feelings. I always thought it would be better not to. Be it something sad I would think, “Why burden anyone with my problems? I dont want anyone to pity me, I don’t want to feel vulnerable in front of another.”; be it something happy I would think, “I don’t want to come across as too excited just incase all that I am happy about goes too soon which would then result in it becoming quite embarrasing.” Basically, any feeling I experienced on the inside, I found it stupid to exhibit it wholly in my expressions or body language at times. What I never realised was maybe the problem wasn’t with me exposing my real feelings but by me bring judged because of doing so.

Many times we always think about what impression most other people would catch of us when it came to showing the real side of ourselves. Why? Well because It would hurt more to be judged upon the real you than it would hurt if you were to be judged upon portraying a facade, as a result, tricking people. Because in that case if you were to be judged, atleast it wouldn’t be based upon your original persona but on a fake one that you’ve created; so that if and when judgement is passed it won’t be as hurtful and it wouldn’t affect you as much.

In this post I want to specifically adress laying bare what you’re actually feeling on the inside and how, sometimes, it can be so relieving. It’s time we understand one of the very rudimental steps to discovering yourself is to first come to terms with what you feel deep inside and how sometimes by actually experiencing and embracing those feelings without trying to hide them, it can act as a different type of relief altogether. This only can start once you let go of the fear of others reckoning you unft it according to their standards; which may be causing you to grip tight you to your contained self. Let go of that facade and earnestly wait for all the soulfulness that’s bound to come your way. We’re humans. It’s time we learn to feel with all our heart.